Rude 18-year old. Our son keeps hassling his younger sister.
Questions & Answers
"Our 18 year old son is rude and aggressive towards his 14 year old sister. He claims we are biased towards his sister. He complains she is the angel of the family and he only gets attention for the wrong reasons. The reality is he has a chip on his shoulder when it comes to her, he is short-tempered and over reacts. Can you please advise us on how to overcome this situation as we are at our wits end. How do we get across to him that what he is doing is destructive to the whole family?"
I would first of all be clear on what is acceptable and what is not in your home (rules) and then also be clear on what the consequences are for violating those rules. In other words, if you have a rule that says "There will no physical violence at all (hitting, touching, throwing things, destroying or damaging personal property, etc.) between members of our family,” you have something to enforce. You don't need a lot of rules, just two or three that set limits for behavior and then you can enforce them without arguments or discussion. Just decide ahead of time what the consequence will be and consistently apply them. The consequence should be fair and reasonable (not too harsh, not too light), but effective (something that is important to your son). If you do this, he will then have to make a decision between having certain privileges or harassing his sister. The choice is his. Most kids will protect their privileges by changing their behavior ... not immediately, but over time. You have to hang in there and keep doing this even if your son continues to break the rule. Just don't give up. He will no doubt try to test your resolve, but you must be firm and stay the course. Usually things get worse before they get better, so be prepared. Believe me, the only way your son will change his behavior is to finally realize that he is fighting a losing battle and that you will not budge on this.
By the way, don't expect your son to change his behavior with a good attitude. He will probably continue to dislike his sister and have all kinds of negative feelings towards her. This may be disheartening to you, but again, take things a step at a time. You can't control or change his attitude, but you can control and change his behavior. He needs to learn that even if you don't like somebody, you must learn to get along with them and be civil.
Sibling conflict is normal and to be expected, but it's never easy for parents to endure. Be patient -- there's a strong likelihood that your son and daughter will become very good friends when they are older. I don't know your kids, but if they are typical, they probably care more about each other than you realize.
On the other hand, if you really believe that the relationship between your son and daughter is dangerous or disruptive to your family, you may need to seek professional help (counseling). You might want to do this even if it isn't. Sometimes it really helps to have a clearing of the air and a mediated time when feelings can be expressed and dealt with openly.
But remember, it's your home, not your son's. He needs to realize that for the privilege of living there (especially now that he is a young adult), he needs to respect your family's house rules as well as the other people who live in your home. That goes for your daughter as well.
One other thing: Pray! God will help you to deal with this problem in a positive and loving way, and he is the one who brings about change, not us. Do what you know is the right thing to do, and then trust God to do the rest.
To learn more or if you have any questions go to: http://www.understandingyourteenager.com/