Consequences. My daughter hates me for grounding her.
Questions & Answers
"I have a 12-year-old daughter who recently came to live with me. She has been living with her father's parents off and on for 11 years. She's been with me for four months and her attitude towards me is awful. She recently started hitting me and ran away because she got grounded and could not go to a school dance. She says she hates me and will never forgive me. She talks to me like I'm a child and she's the adult. She says that if I give in and let her go to the dance, then everything will be fine she will love me again. But I have told her that she will absolutely not be going to the dance. We have her at her grandma's house for a cooling down period but she keeps making comments on not ever coming home because of the dance and also keeps putting down her stepdad because he has rules. I dont know what to do. All I want is to have a good relationship with my daughter but my husband really doesn't want her to come back. He's afraid she will only continue to get everyone upset and turn our household upside down."
From your question, I am going to assume that there were some serious family problems early in your daughter's life that resulted in a divorce and subsequent family break-up. The specifics are not important at this point, but it's obvious that your daughter may be carrying a great deal of resentment and hostility towards you and her father. This is not unusual or unexpected from children of divorce, particularly when they have been shuttled back and forth between parents and grandparents and have not had much stability in their lives. When they become teenagers, they develop a number of defense mechanisms, one of which is the myth that they are the only mature one in the family. That's why your daughter may reverse roles on you, believing that she is one who knows what's best for herself, that she has control over her own life (by default) and that you do not have the right to set limits for her.
This situation has taken a long time to develop and it will probably take a long time to reverse.
If you believe that it's time for your daughter to come and live with you, you will probably need to accept the fact that she will have some problems adjusting. It won't be easy ... and in fact, things may get worse before they get better. The more she finds that she can "break" you or manipulate you, the more she will continue to hassle you and say whatever she can to force you to give up. But don't take the bait and don't give up. What she needs to discover is that you truly are capable of being a good and loving parent ... and that she is not in control of your house, you are. This is actually a very positive thing for a 12-year-old to discover. The more you act responsibly and firmly, the more your daughter will begin to trust your judgement and your authority in her life.
I know that you desire a good relationship with your daughter right now, but remember---your daughter doesn't need you as a friend. She needs you most to be a parent. That doesn't mean you can't have a good relationship with her; it just means that friendship is not your primary goal. Most teenagers hate their parents a good deal of the time. But they are eternally grateful that their parents were there ... being mean and unreasonable and relentlessly loving.
I hope that your daughter returns to live with you. If and when she does, be patient and don't give up on her, or on yourself. But more than patience might be needed. If you have not had counseling with your daughter, you should definitely seek this. At the very least, you need to have a time of confession, forgiveness, reconciliation and healing with your daughter. I often recommend to parents who feel that they haven't been the best parents during a child's early years to simply confess this to their children when the time is right, ask for forgiveness, and then assure them that things will be different from now on. Of course, this has to be done after you have made a firm commitment to make parenting a priority, and have a plan in place to put your good intentions into action.
To learn more or if you have any questions go to: http://www.understandingyourteenager.com/