Teen Dating: Should parents allow their daughter to date someone they don't approve of?
Questions & Answers
"Our 16-year-old daughter is seeing a 17-year-old boy whom we don't trust. Actually, we know very little about him, but we are reasonably certain that his values are not those shared by our family. He has multiple body-piercings, wears gang-style clothing and has a several tattoos on his neck and arms. When we told our daughter that we preferred she not date this particular young man, she got very angry with us. She says she's done nothing wrong and that we have no right to interfere in her relationships. We believe she is making a big mistake. Call it a parents' intuition or just plain common sense, but we are very worried about her. What should we do?
Well, unless you have more evidence than you've presented here, you probably shouldn't draw too many conclusions about this young man based on his appearance. True, one's appearance often reveals something about his or her lifestyle and values, but keep in mind that most of today's kids just like to wear strange clothes and various body ornaments just to irritate and disgust their elders. Most of us did the same thing when we were young.
Your concern, however, is understandable. There's not a parent alive who doesn't worry to the point of panic when their daughters start going out with boys. Surely, there's never been a boy in the history of the world good enough for our daughters.
So what action should you take? First, don't let fear, suspicion and anger dictate what you do. Negative emotions more often than not lead to dumb decisions. No one can fault you for wanting to protect your daughter from Jack the Ripper, but the only way you can protect her is to restrict her from seeing this young man, and she's made it clear that she won't allow you to do that. So, if you restrict, she's bound to rebel, and that's certainly when your fears will become realized.
Your daughter is right. She hasn't done anything wrong. And she's also right that she is the only one who can decide who she "sees" or doesn't "see." At this point, all you can do is trust her. The best thing to do is admit that you over-reacted and apologize for jumping to conclusions about her boyfriend. Let your daughter know that you believe in her and her ability to make responsible decisions. Remember, trust breeds trustworthiness.
The next step is to begin including the young man in your family activities. Invite him to be a regular guest at dinner. Request his presence at family outings. Be as welcoming to him as you possibly can. If he's the jerk that you suspect him to be, he will probably feel extremely uncomfortable around your family, in which case he's likely to back quickly out of your daughter's life. If he's not, then your family's values can have nothing but a positive influence on him. He may just turn out to be the son-in-law of your dreams.
To learn more or if you have any questions go to: http://www.understandingyourteenager.com/