Sibling Rivalries:How should parents deal with squabbling brothers and sisters?
Questions & Answers
"We have three children, ages 15, 13 and 11, who constantly fight and argue with one another and it's driving us crazy. We've tried talking to them about getting along with each other, we've had family meetings, we've tried punishing them, but nothing seems to work. They insist that they don't like each other, which is just heartbreaking to us. Is this normal?"
Yes it's normal, although not inevitable. Some siblings actually seem to get along fine with each other. Whether they do or not usually has a lot to do with the ages of the children, their genders, personalities, living conditions and many other factors. But the reality of sibling relationships is that turmoil is normal. That's because children of the same family are not there by choice. Unlike spouses and friends, siblings do not choose one another. They are brought together by chance and sometimes they find this totally unfair and unacceptable. They demonstrate this by how they treat each other.
The good news is that most siblings eventually put their childhood differences aside as adults and more often than not become friends or at least learn how to be civil towards each other.
You can't really eliminate sibling rivalries or force children to like each other, but you can put a few rules in place to help govern the conflict. Examples:
(1) No hitting, kicking, gouging or poking each other in the eyes.
(2) No throwing or swinging objects of any kind.
(3) No using foul language or calling each other derogatory names.
By being clear on these rules, you can then be clear about the consequences of breaking them. Which brings up one additional rule: (4) If any of these rules are broken, all three of you will be punished equally regardless of who was at fault. That will save you the indignity of having to listen to each them blaming each other, tattling on each other, arguing over who was at fault, and so on.
Because siblings love to watch each other suffer, they will often see it as their solemn duty to report every rule infraction by the other to the nearest authority immediately. "Mom, Nick poured his milk down the sink!" "Dad, Joshua left the light on in the garage!" To reduce the frequency of such reports, some parents have instituted a tattling rule that provides either (a) a reward for the person being tattled on (even if what they did was wrong), or (2) a punishment for everyone, including the tattler. Use at your own discretion.
Sibling squabbles are to be expected, and most of the time the best thing to do is nothing at all. Don't intervene unless you have to. If someone is in real danger of getting hurt, you may need to step into the fray, but in most cases, the best solution is no solution. Just say, "I don't want to hear about it" and walk away. Don't be so quick to assume the role of referee or judge in your kids' disputes. Every time you intervene, you teach them to rely on you to solve all their problems for them. What they need to learn is how to solve their own problems and to get along with people they don't like.
To learn more or if you have any questions go to: http://www.understandingyourteenager.com/